Tag Archives: perfect

what if THE closest i get to the BEST I’LL ever be IS NOW

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By nature, I enjoy comfort, for example, exposure to the cold is something I struggle with (those who know me are very familiar with my often incessant talk of the cruelties of these arctic temperatures).  I work best in the heat of the day when the sun hits me and I can feel the burn on my shoulders as I walk under its rays.  A water bottle in hand to quench the dryness; the beauty of the shade of a tree or a passing bus; the wind that blows and is warm, the rain that falls and doesn’t sting with ice…that is what works best for me.  But this….this?  No,  It is just too much.  Too much frost, and radiators turned up to the highest on the dial.  Piling on layer after layer to shield myself from the brazen weather.  Has it no shame?  Will it not let up even for a moment?  Winter; I find least comfort in you.

I have also found, that, by nature, I tend to be that of the type that no matter what happens, I keep moving forward.  Sometimes that forward movement is painfully slow, so slow that I’m convinced I’m stood still, until hindsight kicks in and I realize I’ve come further than I ever thought.  Sometimes that forward movement is at the pace of light speed…although these moments seem rarer than the former.  But, every so often (probably more often that I admit), I have this thought “what if I never get further in life than I am now? What if the closest I get to the best I’ll ever be, is now?”  And that scares me.  It scare me because, most of the time, I cannot even fathom how things in my life will change for the better, or why they even should.  Why should things change for ME?  Am I special enough to have special things happen?

I ponder on the concept of Grace – this whole thing of undeserved favor.  I’ve never really felt like I deserved much-yet ironically, I have great dreams for myself.  I am talented and creative, that I will give myself, but so are so many others.  Why should anyone notice me?  Why should I be picked amongst the crowd.

I am no saint in any way.  Sometimes I don’t understand why I do certain things that make me cringe.  Why did I say this to that person?  Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?  Must I always act before I think?  I am convinced some people must think me actually crazy with the way I go back and forth with decisions.

At this moment, I am single.  It’s not something that bothers me really, but what I do find myself battling with are thoughts of if I’m the sort of if person that someone would ever want to love.  Weird eh.  I wonder if other people think that about themselves.

All this deliberating means I get tired easily.  Emotionally, I’m exhausted.  I am therefore grateful for those around me who are in my world.  Great friends to laugh with and who make the journey of life worthwhile, because you know, I find life to be quite heavy sometimes.

Earlier this year, I went on an awe-inspiring trip to Southern India.  There I encountered a tropical climate that permeated my being.  I felt so free and energized, made new lifelong friends who I pray will be with me for all time.  This was something new for me.  Can a place really do that to someone, it certainly did for me.  I had none of those above questions galloping through my mind.  It was my utopia; my perfect moment.

But right now, right here, I ask myself where my perfect moment is.  Why does life seem to unravel when you think it’s being knitted together in a way that makes you want to smile at life again?  And who is doing this unravelling anyway?  Because, whoever you are, it’s time you stopped.

Is this the best I’ll ever be?  I am hoping that it is not, I am sure it is not.

I will keep moving forward in life, doing my best to enjoy the journey.  Learning from my hurts (oh how I’m broken down by these hurts) and forgiving others (including myself) as I go along.

So, onward and upward I go with this adventure of mine, and maybe one day I’ll look back and realise that this moment, where I am now, it was just the beginning of the most beautiful story that will one day be told.

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one BEACH, ONE very simple CONVERSATION, one PERFECT guy

“It’s really peaceful out here, don’t you think?  And I don’t even mind the pebbles so much.  Even the cool breeze isn’t bothering me.  I’m sure you’d disagree though.  Don’t you Debby?”

“Huh?  Yea, it’s a bit too cold for my liking.”

“Ha.  Why am I not surprised.  WOAH, check out those waves girl….

Do you know what I think of when I see them?”

“No.  What?”

“I see us riding the waves of glorious experiences and great chance.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“It means, dear Debb, that great things are coming our way.  I can feel it.  It’s in the air.  It’s in those waves.  Ooohhh, I can even smell it.  Breathe it in Debb.  Breathe it in.  Aaahhh.  There it is.”

“You’re crazy, that’s what you are.”

“Well, better to be a tad crazy than moody.  What’s with you today?  And what’s that?… That paper that is about to fall out of your pocket….Yea, that one.”

“Oh.  It’s nothing.  Just a photo of…someone.”

“Of him?  It’s a photo of him isn’t it?  Let me see. Come on, let…me…see.  Oh my oh my.  He’s gorgeous.  No, he’s more than goregeous, he’s…he’s…he’s eatable.  You sneaky girl you.  And why have you never told me his name?”

“That’s not important either.  And give me the photo back.

“So, what’s he like?”

“Really nice.  The sort of person any girl would want.  I feel so privileged.  I like having his picture near me.”

“Tell me more.  I am indeed intrigued.”

“Well, it just sucks that we’re not in the same country.  But he did say he’d call.  I’m giving him space to do just that…see if he’s really interested…you know.”

“Oh totally, you gotta be sure he really wants to be with you.  So, did he call? Oooohh, you’re smiling.  You haven’t done that all day, that must be good news.”

“Well, I was sitting at home, minding my own business the other day, when the phone rings.”

“I couldn’t believe it.”

“You couldn’t believe that the phone rang???”

“It’s the house phone.  It never rings.  Anyway, sshhh.  I’M telling the story here.”

“I just love how excited you are.  FINALLY, something..or someone…has perked you up.”

“Anyway, I didn’t believe the phone was ringing and..”

“You said that already”

“AND..it occured to me that this is the number I gave him and that it was possibly him calling. But I’d by now been thinking for too long, because the phone stopped.  It went dead….OUCH…what was that pinch for?”

“For making me think there was more to this story.  Instead, all I get is, the phone rang…much to my utter surprise, and I didn’t pick it up.”

“Ssshhh.  The phone rang once more.”

“Guess who it was?”

“It was him.”  “It was him”

“What?  It’s not rocket science.”

“We spoke for such a long time.  Dare I say we spoke for hours.”

“I think you dare.”

“It was such a magical moment.  With the perfect guy.  hmm, I can’t believe I’m nearly crying just remembering it.  I just felt so special…you know.  He made me feel special.  I haven’t felt that way in such a long time.  It’s indescribable that one person can do that to another.  Are you happy for me? I’m so happy for me.  You know what he said to me..he said…”

“Debby?”

“Deebbyyy”

“Huh?”

“Did he call?”

(Pause)

“No…no, he never did.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.  I just thought…well, with the picture and all….”

“Yea.  I know.”

“It’s slipped out of your hand…the photo.  It’s being blown toward the sea.  Look, I’ll go get it for you yea.”

“No.  I don’t need it.  I shouldn’t have kept it.  Let it go where it goes, and we’ll sit here together.

Tell me more about those waves.  I want to hear.”

“No you don’t.  I can see it.  It shows in your eyes.  He may still call.  You never know.”

(Pause)

“Ok, I’ll tell you about the waves.  You see that one over there coming our way, that’s good fortune, auspiciousness.  And that one to the side of it, that’s wellness…and that…”