Monthly Archives: December 2012

what if THE closest i get to the BEST I’LL ever be IS NOW

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By nature, I enjoy comfort, for example, exposure to the cold is something I struggle with (those who know me are very familiar with my often incessant talk of the cruelties of these arctic temperatures).  I work best in the heat of the day when the sun hits me and I can feel the burn on my shoulders as I walk under its rays.  A water bottle in hand to quench the dryness; the beauty of the shade of a tree or a passing bus; the wind that blows and is warm, the rain that falls and doesn’t sting with ice…that is what works best for me.  But this….this?  No,  It is just too much.  Too much frost, and radiators turned up to the highest on the dial.  Piling on layer after layer to shield myself from the brazen weather.  Has it no shame?  Will it not let up even for a moment?  Winter; I find least comfort in you.

I have also found, that, by nature, I tend to be that of the type that no matter what happens, I keep moving forward.  Sometimes that forward movement is painfully slow, so slow that I’m convinced I’m stood still, until hindsight kicks in and I realize I’ve come further than I ever thought.  Sometimes that forward movement is at the pace of light speed…although these moments seem rarer than the former.  But, every so often (probably more often that I admit), I have this thought “what if I never get further in life than I am now? What if the closest I get to the best I’ll ever be, is now?”  And that scares me.  It scare me because, most of the time, I cannot even fathom how things in my life will change for the better, or why they even should.  Why should things change for ME?  Am I special enough to have special things happen?

I ponder on the concept of Grace – this whole thing of undeserved favor.  I’ve never really felt like I deserved much-yet ironically, I have great dreams for myself.  I am talented and creative, that I will give myself, but so are so many others.  Why should anyone notice me?  Why should I be picked amongst the crowd.

I am no saint in any way.  Sometimes I don’t understand why I do certain things that make me cringe.  Why did I say this to that person?  Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?  Must I always act before I think?  I am convinced some people must think me actually crazy with the way I go back and forth with decisions.

At this moment, I am single.  It’s not something that bothers me really, but what I do find myself battling with are thoughts of if I’m the sort of if person that someone would ever want to love.  Weird eh.  I wonder if other people think that about themselves.

All this deliberating means I get tired easily.  Emotionally, I’m exhausted.  I am therefore grateful for those around me who are in my world.  Great friends to laugh with and who make the journey of life worthwhile, because you know, I find life to be quite heavy sometimes.

Earlier this year, I went on an awe-inspiring trip to Southern India.  There I encountered a tropical climate that permeated my being.  I felt so free and energized, made new lifelong friends who I pray will be with me for all time.  This was something new for me.  Can a place really do that to someone, it certainly did for me.  I had none of those above questions galloping through my mind.  It was my utopia; my perfect moment.

But right now, right here, I ask myself where my perfect moment is.  Why does life seem to unravel when you think it’s being knitted together in a way that makes you want to smile at life again?  And who is doing this unravelling anyway?  Because, whoever you are, it’s time you stopped.

Is this the best I’ll ever be?  I am hoping that it is not, I am sure it is not.

I will keep moving forward in life, doing my best to enjoy the journey.  Learning from my hurts (oh how I’m broken down by these hurts) and forgiving others (including myself) as I go along.

So, onward and upward I go with this adventure of mine, and maybe one day I’ll look back and realise that this moment, where I am now, it was just the beginning of the most beautiful story that will one day be told.